Thursday, April 21, 2011

Hey Stranger!

In this case, I'm the stranger. (in more ways than one)

I have been tres busy and haven't posted. Not here, not there, not anywhere.....

I miss blogging here. But more than that, I miss feeling good.

Lately I have NOT been feeling good. And I know - I KNOW - that the majority of the reason is dietary.

I blame it partly on the food itself, and partly on the preparation. I'm eating junk and I'm not eating raw. (part raw, but not nearly enough)

And I don't want to be a downer.....that is NOT what I want this blog to be, but I do want to be honest here. I need to be honest here. Because I need support. I'm not a whiner by nature......I am thankful that I am born a 'glass is half full' person. But sometimes I need to whine.

So I'm going to unload and then I'm going to move on.

I have struggled with my eating for MONTHS. . . and actually, to say I've struggled is an overstatement. The truth is, I just sort of gave up, caved......couldnt bother to care sort of.

But the thing is - I feel like shit. Can I just say that? Just once can I say it that plainly? My head hurts - always. Feels like its going to pop. I have a headache almost constantly - not a migraine type headache - more like I feel this knot in the front of my forehead - I know my eyesight has gotten worse and so I think my head could be partly that - but I know that it is also what I'm eating, or what I'm not eating.

I have a blistery rash on my elbow and my finger. I used to have this all the time - for several years - plus back then it was on my foot and both ankles. Then I went raw, and it went entirely away. COMPLETELY and entirely. I don't know if that is related to glucose or purely a certain food (gluten maybe?) I don't know.

What I do know, again, is that I feel crappy. AND, I know its doing me damage that will come back to haunt me later. I'm only 43 (?) but I already have notice (suffer) effects of harm I did in my youth. I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes.

So, its time for change. Again. Change is a constant, and I'm ok with that - what frustrates me is making the same change over and over. Its some kind of weird crazy nightmarish feedback loop I'm stuck in.

I'm eating great during the day - but really crappy at night. I've just tossed in the towel as far as dinner. And don't even talk about beyond that. I've always been a nighttime snacker, but when I went all raw - it was all under control, it was golden.

And I felt great.

So this is all to say - can anyone relate? Can I get some encouragement here?

Its like Paul saying : I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (NIV)

I wish I could say that I know I'll do what I want to do tomorrow - which is to eat right - but I'm not confident. :(  Maybe the truth is that what I really want is to eat junk but not feel like junk. Maybe that is the truth. So maybe I need to work on my brain - start believing that what I really want is to eat right to feel right. Cuz Lord knows I want to feel better. This feeling like puke warmed over has got to stop. I'm tired of it.


Karen said...

oh boy can I relate!! You've had a lot on your plate lately Janice, don't be so hard on yourself. ((HUG)) I hope you feel better soon.


Janice said...

Thanks Karen! ((hugs)) Things here have gotten really tenuous as I am in a legal situation over the selling of my house. OY. the headaches just increase and increase.